Welcome to the wide crazy world of TJ Klune

As you can see, this is a blog (a blog, you say? You're like the only person in the world that has one!). Here are my promises to you: I promise to up date this as much as I can. I promise that at some point, you will most likely be offended. I promise you may suffer from the affliction the Klunatics know as Wookie Cry Face. I also promise to make this some place where you can see how my mind works.



You've been warned.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Beauty In The Breakdown



 It's all right 
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
--Frou Frou 


It started with a pressure behind my eyes a couple of months ago.  I should have recognized it for what it was.  Maybe part of me did and I just chose to ignore it. Fake it until you make it, I think the saying goes.
It was probably inevitable, really. I am just surprised it didn’t happen sooner.
When I was nine, I was diagnosed with a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  When I was eleven, I was diagnosed with a form of Panic Disorder.  I am…disordered.  Obviously.  The meds helped, once we figured out the right dosage and combinations.  I was one of the lucky ones, though, in that as I got older, the symptoms got less and less.  It also helped that I learned how to breathe, those little techniques that make up the art of breathing. I don’t take pills anymore. I haven’t in years. Every now and then, I could feel the pressure build slightly behind my eyes and my little quirks would come out when particularly stressed (counting syllables in the words I spoke by tapping a finger against my leg and trying to make sure the sentence I said ended on either my pinkie or my thumb—it doesn’t make sense, I know, but then tics like these never do), but I was able to hold it back and breathe and breathe and breathe until it went away.
But sometimes it’s not enough. And sometimes, it can come out of nowhere and it’s like getting hit by a train.  That rarely happens.
So, when I was hanging a painting in our new house a few weeks ago, I think I knew the pressure was there, but with everything else that has been going on, I didn’t have time for it.  And that was a mistake because I got hit by the train.
One moment I was hanging the painting (thinking about where it’d hung in our previous house), and the next I was on the floor, unable to breathe, the painting broken on the ground.    Unless you’ve had a panic attack before, it’s difficult to understand what they’re like.  Breathing is an involuntary action.  Your body does it for you.  But when you’re in the middle of an attack, your body is used against you. Your mind is just as constricted as your lungs and throat, and it’s damn near impossible to get but the smallest amounts of air in.  It’s not rational.  It’s never rational. But it’s like drowning and until the water recedes, there’s not much that you can do but ride it out and hope for the best.
When the water did recede, I was sweating and crying and my body hurt, but I was finally able to admit something that I should have figure out quite a while ago: I am not okay.
That’s hard to find that out.  It’s damning to say out loud.  It’s difficult to believe. I am supposed to be the strong one.  I am supposed to be in charge. I am supposed to know what to do, to take care of me and mine. I am supposed to be okay. I am not supposed to break.  But that’s the problem, now.  I am breaking.
I am not okay.  I am not okay.  I am not okay.  I don’t think I have been for a while. I don’t sleep much anymore. I don’t eat. I look like shit. I’ve had purple lines under my eyes since that first night Eric went into the hospital and I didn’t sleep.  I don’t have energy for much of anything anymore. I’m listless and apathetic.  I snap at people at the drop of a hat. I go to work. I come home from work. I pretend to unpack. I go to bed at eight. I fall asleep around one or two. I get up. I go to work. I come home from work and on and on it goes. That pressure building. The pieces cracking.
I am not okay.  And it pisses me off.  Everything pisses me off.  I had plans.  We had plan.  We were supposed to live happily ever after.  We were supposed to ride off into the sunset and be happy in our little corner of the world and nothing would ever bother us ever again.  How fair is it that we only got six weeks in our new house in a new state before Eric was admitted to the hospital for three months? How is it fair that he is now paralyzed from the neck down and most likely will be for the rest of his life? How fair is that we should be planning our wedding right now instead of worrying about what future we could possibly ever hope to have?  How is any of this fair?
It’s not, and I am not okay.
I just got back from Indiana yesterday.  It was the hardest trip I’ve ever had to make, because of the hardest things I had to say.  I had to tell Eric I am not okay. That I am cracking. That we couldn’t get married in November because I’m not in the right place mentally because I am not okay.  He understood, of course. He always does.  It still crushed us both.  I knew it would and I was dreading every moment of it.
Eric needs a positive environment to promote healing and well-being. I cannot be the positivity he needs right now. I’m in a very toxic place.  I can’t and won’t allow that to spread to him.  Plans have to be on hold because I have to be selfish right now, no matter how much I hate it and no matter how much it kills me. But you can’t ever hope to take care of others if you can’t take of yourself.
And it’s because I grieved for him when all of this occurred. I grieved for him like he had died, and I don’t know that I’ve ever reconciled the fact that he didn’t.  I am haunted by it and the pieces that broke off of me that won’t go back to the shape they once were. I can’t get them to stick at all. 
I have been faking it, but I haven’t made it.  I will, but that won’t be today. Or tomorrow. Or even the next day.  I am not okay, and that is the first sign that something needs to change. That I need to do something different before it gets any worse.  The panic attacks come quicker now. My quirks and tics are more pronounced.  I have to fix this before I can’t anymore and I need to do it now.
            So.  You won’t be hearing from me for a while.  Maybe a long while.  I thought about shutting down all my social media pages, but that’s not fair to my fans and readers who interact with each other on my FB or on GR or my blog.  You Klunatics can continue on for me while I go off to find what it will take to make me better.  I will be back.  Of that, I have no doubt. But I have to be selfish right now and make things about me, even though I hate it. I have hundreds of FB messages I haven’t responded to. Hundreds of emails. I’m sorry about that. I hope to read them all someday soon, so I hope you’ll forgive me.
            And I’m sorry this is so heavy.  If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve been with us on this journey for a while now. I wanted to make sure you knew that I appreciate you very much. Without all of you, I wouldn’t be here today.  There is hope.  I just have to find it again.
            I am not okay.
            But I will be, because I am greater than the little parts of me that break.
            I'll see you on the other side, and remember to love each other no matter what.

            Love,
            Tj

79 comments:

  1. Love, you take your time. Catch your breath. We're all here if you need us. No matter what.

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  2. Take care of yourself sweetheart. You are loved. You'll find your hope. I know it.

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  3. *hugs* I don't think anyone is surprised that you need to take time for yourself. I think we are more shocked that you have held it together this long. Take the time you need for yourself. Your fans will be here when you are ready to come back.

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    1. I agree with Brandilyn, I'm honestly not sure I could have handled any of it as well as you have. And yes, even with the breakdown, you still did way more than some would have done and deep down, you know this to be true.
      As she said, your fans will be here, however long it takes. We care and love the person you are.
      Please take care of yourself sweetheart and know that if you need anything at all, most, if not all of us, will do whatever we can to make it happen.

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  4. Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way. We'll be here. Big (((hugs))). <3

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  5. Sweetheart, it's brave and right and proper to say "I am not okay." Go find out how to breathe again. This whole situation sucks - I have no words like you always do. Know this, however:
    - you are not forgotten, and haven't been
    - Eric is not forgotten, and hasn't been
    - the Kickass Anthology is happening. Stories are landing in my inbox, and graphic artists circling them, looking for inspiration. That's for you, and for Eric. So you know you're not alone and forgotten.
    Damn, I wish I could hug you and hold your hand and bring a casserole and be a real friend, instead of this electronic simulacrum. You have plenty of real friends, though. They know you from way back, and love you, and you're never alone.
    We will love each other no matter what. Just love yourself no matter what, too.

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  6. I'm not at all surprised by your post Tj. I am however surprised it took so long for the juggernaut to hit. It was inevitable that you would break at some point because a person simply can't take that level of stress and not have some sort of meltdown. Although I don't personally know you and Eric and your respective families in real life, I watched you both interact since before you became the daring duo. Then, even more so after you got together.

    I care and worry about what the future brings for both you and Eric the same as the hundreds and hundreds of other people that will message you. I want you both to have that happily ever after that you both are so deserving of. Heal, be well and when you come back you'll be all shiny and new and ready to battle rabid otters and bears in the woods!. Love to you and Eric xxx <3

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  7. Take all the time in the world. I'll be thinking of you and Eric. ❤️❤️❤️

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  8. You've been bearing a heavy weight for a while now, it's completely understandable that you are not okay right now. That does NOT mean you aren't strong. It just means it's past time to take some space for yourself to find your way through this. I wish you all the best - with everything.

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  10. We will all be here for you no matter how long it takes. You have tried to be strong for so long and now it is time for you to focus on yourself. Lots of deep breaths in and out . Your fans love you and hope you will return an stronger and happier person. Lots of <3 and (((HUGS))) !!!

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  11. You don't know how glad I am that your self-preservation instincts kicked in and you have realized that you need to make a change. More people need to see the warning signs of collapse and mental shutdown and figure out what needs to change in order to heal themselves. I have no doubt that you will feel much better in a month or two, or maybe it will take longer, and that's okay. Psychologists usually say it takes at least a year to recover somewhat from a loved one's passing. You not only have to recover from Eric almost dying but from him changing and the plans for your future together changing too. My heart is with you both. Take good care of yourself TJ. You need to. Sending you so much love from over here...

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  12. living with panic/anxiety/ocd/depression is..well, you know...

    get better...visit when you can

    much love

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  13. Love u too TJ!! You need to take care of yourself! You took so much on it is no surprise that you now need to regroup. We will always be here to listen and help!

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  14. Do whatever you need to do.
    I understand every word of yours here, I've been in this place myself this year.
    I won't try and give any advice, you already know you'll get back to a better place, but this is your journey.
    I made it out and you know you will, too.
    Strength and love.
    ~Andrea

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  15. I am so sorry you are going through this. I was a bit afraid that this would happen, but I had hoped you would be lucky enough to skip this part. I have been in the same place and was ready to give up, but I was stubborn, and managed to hang on until it got better. These kinds of times will pop up, but they get fewer and farther apart. You were dealt a hand no one should get, but you made it through that. No, its not fair. None of it was. Life rarely is, but you are an amazing man. Even more so now, in my eyes. I hope you find the help you need. I also hope you realize how many thousands of people love you for being just who you are. Those of us who followed your journey from the first scary minute are going no where. We will be here for you if you need us. Step back, find your bearings, talk to someone, whatever it is that you need. But please know that the sun will shine again. It always does. I have been where you are, screaming at the world, "how dare you go one like nothing has happened!" But I have always believed 2 things- everything happens for a reason, good or bad, and people come into our lives when we need them, good or bad. I am so sorry TJ, I wish I could fix this. I hope this darkness passes quickly for you. You are an amazing talent and a beautiful soul, I wish you only the best. Be well, doll, and holler if you need us. Hugs

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  16. Best to you, TJ. You have so many people out here who love you and support your decision to get better. Good for you for knowing you need to do this in order to be ok for Eric and others. We will all be waiting here when you return. Hugs.

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  17. I break sometimes, too, TJ, and I want you to remember one thing for me. It's a little thing, but those are sometimes the most difficult. You did not break because you are weak. You broke because you have been strong for too long.

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  18. TJ, when you have to look after someone like you have done Eric, looking after yourself seems selfish. But you have to take care of you. We will all still be here when you get to the other side. And to the other side you will get to. The hardest thing to say is I am not okay, as a person who faced something similar last year, it is hard to admit it but it is the first step in getting yourself whole again. Sending you love and strength.

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  19. Love ya. Take the time and do what you need to do. We aren't going anywhere.

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  20. Don't worry, Tj. You must only think to be better. We are here for you both always, we just want you are well and that you are happy. We love so much, take all the time that you need. With love Valentina

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  21. I don't know if you will ever see this but on the chance that you do, let this old woman tell you, all you can do is all you can do. Period. <3

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  22. Do everything you need to take care of yourself. We're not going anywhere. {{hugs}}

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  23. You have been amazing through this entire journey. It is not you being selfish, it is you being smart. You can't be strong all the time, no one could expect that of you. Of corse you have been grieving as if Eric died. In a way he did, your relationship will never be the same and you are grieving for that as well. I work in the medical field, I have seen things tear people apart. I have also seen people come back together and grow even stronger bonds. Be selfish, get yourself well. Then come back fresh and decide where you go from there. Your Kluniacs love you and the majority will support any decision you and Eric reach. We are there for you. The positive vibes we are sending out to you two have to mean something. You've got this T.J. Because you are strong, you are loved, and you are too stubborn to let this destroy you!

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    1. I agree with Hayley. I too am in the medical profession and have seen the same things. Taking time for yourself is not selfish it's what's needed to heal yourself. Even when you get back to being "okay" you will need to take time out for yourself. You have taken the first step to heal which is recognizing you aren't "okay". Rest, breathe and start to heal. We all love you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  24. I'm sorry to read this but glad to see you recognized it before things got any worse. Do what you need to do and take all the time that is required to be healthy and okay again.

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  25. Never good enough words, but I wills simply say thank you for your honesty, letting us in our your life--that is such a gift-- and that we love you. Hearing you say that you're not okay only increases my respect for you and the strength you show.

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  26. Take you time focus on yourself for once . people will wait and be there for you when you come back much love <3 Dani

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  27. You have been stuck in maximum overdrive for a long time. As a reader I am only privy to what you share. Your fans accept you 100%. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is you're ugly and it's okay to deal with it as you see fit. We won't judge... I won't judge. You're only human. Take some time to breathe. It's hard to catch your breath when your dreams have morphed into something unfamiliar. *hugs*

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  28. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Please take care of yourself and know that you have the respect and support of so many people.

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  29. I suffer from panic attacks and have asthma, which can be a seriously deadly combination. I know what you're going through. Do the best you can. No one expects more.

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  30. “The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.”-Hubert H. Humphrey
    You have the love & support of Eric, your family, friends, the community, & fans that will always be there for you. Please take all the time you need to take care of yourself...your health and your well being comes first!!

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  31. Hi TJ. You don't know me. I'm a fan.I understand what you are going through. Now is the time for you to do you. And do you well. I have been on my job for 25+ years, one of my first mangers told me something and this and it is what I have come to live by. One day we were talking about life in general. About how f-up people can be. He turned to me and said I'm going to give you some advice, take it however you want. He said quote" Fuck them all but 6. You will need them to carry the casket" . So TJ think about what I said when you are trying to feel guilty about being selfish. You do you and when you are ready, you will be back. Until then I will re-read all of your books.

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  32. Hugs and love from me to you, babe. Lots of both!

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  33. You have been thru hell these last several months. Take some time; you most definitely deserve it. As a fellow caretaker, I gotta tell you that you just have to from time to time. Feel better soon!

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  34. Its hard
    And you are brave to admit that you're not okay
    Not everybody can do that. Most of us fake it until we die. I'm still faking mine. Wish I could have a little brave like you

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  35. Life sucks and being a person who suffers with anxiety I can understand and know that you need time for you! We love you don't expect a reply just want you happy and healthy. Much love always ��������

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  36. You are more than a "fistful" of awesome, you are a metric ton of it. I wish you love, and strength, and peace. <3

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  37. Take all the time you need. We'll still be here when you are able to return. Lots of love and light and positive, healing vibes to you and Eric. *hugs*

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  38. You & Eric are loved by all of us! Rest, recuperate & BREATHE! We will be here whenever you just want to say .. Hello ... never a pressure ... just a caring. Love from Alaska Ann Alaska

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  39. As I have said before..Take care of you..we will be here when you feel you can come back. Eric will wait for you. Whatever the two of you decide on any given topic KNOW we will back you all we can. After all we love you both and want you to be as well as you can be. Take what you need. There will be time for later..later. <3 <3 <3

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  40. I did not read the comment that contained the link for your blog. I was excited, because I thought you had posted a passage from an upcoming book. I started to read it and thought that this book was going to be a really good one. Then I realized that you were writing about you. You and Eric. What I read was the start of chapter one. I will wait, yes I will wait, until you come back and tell about the next chapters. Love to you & Eric. I send that and my hope you find your way. I feel weak, in that I cannot help in any way. I believe in you and Eric. Please know that you are being thought of with love. You write about it with such passion. Thank you for sharing your stories and your life. Go live and find your passion again. I will be waiting. Waiting for the next chapters.

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  41. Take all the time you and Eric need. We will always be waiting for you when you return. Love and hugs to you both.

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  42. TJ, I love you more now than I did when I first heard of your epic journey with Eric. First off, those of us that have dealt with this stuff will be the first to tell you that "breaking down' only happens when you've been strong for too long. There's not one damn thing wrong with stopping and taking care of you. Nothing ever happens on OUR time scale, EVER. We all struggle, we all fail, we all hang on to one another for dear life because each other is all we have. Ya' know what? It's OK...Just keep saying "This too will pass." Because it does. Because it will. Because once all of this is behind you, you can look down from that seemingly insurmountable mountain you just hiked the Hell up and say, "I made it after all."
    You and Eric have a very special place on this Druid's altar and you have ever since I heard your story. If the Celts can make it through 6000 years of epic history, so can you. Hang in there, and if you need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here.

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  43. This has been a hard year for a lot of people. Two family members of mine were diagnosed with cancer and it's the really serious kind of cancer...the most serious. A few friends of mine had a similar diagnosis. I just wanted to say that I've been following your story since December and I've found it amazing how it is so closely related to a lot of the things I went through seven years ago with my husband, Tony. At the time we were already together for fifteen years, which did make things a little different. We'd already experience a lot of things you haven't been able to experience with Eric. But I stopped everything for a while to focus on Tony...and on holding on to what was left of the life we'd always known before he got sick. It wasn't easy, but we got through it. It's not the same, but it's better in some ways. We grew in many ways. We found out who our real friends are. Just don't stop writing. I think your voice is one that people need to hear. And if you knew me you'd know that I never say that to anyone. I think you'll be okay. You may not think you are okay now. But you will be!!

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  44. Go& see a dr. Give yourself time. Take care. Xxx

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  45. You are a bright light, you have inspired me and I am certain, others. Please take care. Xo

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  46. Good luck TJ. You took the right and only decision. Lesser humans without underlying health issues would have cracked under these circumstances long before you did. Having to be strong and in control for a loved one is exhausting. It takes everything you have and then some.

    Now take time for yourself and don't beat yourself up. You may have acted super human over the past months, unfortunately, like the rest of us, you are 'only' human after all and your body is demanding you pay attention to it. Because you are okay. You're more than okay. You're okay and exhausted in every possible sense. I live for the moment you will recognize once again that this is true. Take your time and repair yourself. All of us will be here waiting and cheering when you're ready to come back.

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  47. Take tour time, take care of yourself, we will be here waiting for you!
    Hugs from Italy <3

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  48. Hugs from a fellow OCDer and Panic Attacker. I know some of what you are feeling (no two cases are the same). But the best thing is knowing your signs and listening to them. Big hugs and good luck!

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  49. I hope you'll be able to pull through and be happy! Take care of yourself! I hope you and Eric will be able to be together and have your happy ever-after!

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  50. we love You, and completely understand. Not being ok is perfectly acceptable. you need to focus on you, do what you need to be ok, we are here for you. AII our love,

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  51. I wish you both moments of unexpected laughter, good surprises and stealth tranquility-attacks in the recovery ahead!

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  52. I hope you are busy taking care of yourself and getting what you need to be whole again. In the meantime, know that I am thinking of you and looking forward to the next time I get to see the cheerful, lovable you. Hugs.

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  53. Take good care of you and don't worry, we'll be here for you no matter what happens!
    Hugs Tj !

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  54. Love, prayers, and strength to you both! <3

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  55. Please do not say you are sorry for being honest. It takes so much COURAGE to do what you did and be honest with yourself and with Eric. It shows how much you love him and how you put him first. That's NOT selfish. That's selfless! It's this love that has drawn us to you both and it's this love that gives us hope. It sounds like you need time to process and who wouldn't after all that's happened, so don't beat yourself up. Your love has been inspirational and a beacon of hope. Being open and honest shows how much love you have for Eric. Prays for you both. We love you both

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  56. T.J. you have every right to feel like this, so give up the guilt. The one thing we forget to do when we grieve, is grieve for what we lost. You have grieved for Eric and his loss, but it obviously is time to grieve for yourself and being the person that we all know from your books and social media pages, obviously you are not the one to be selfish. I can only hope you do not shut everyone out, because it is hard to do alone if impossible. It seems you have a wonderful family and close friends, it is time again to lean on them for YOU! The thing about psychological diseases, unlike cancer or paralysis, is people don't understand them, they don't believe they are real, they can't physically see them and most people believe "it's just in your head, so get over it". Oh, but are they real, and trying to make people understand them if they have not experienced psych dx processes is sometimes fruitless and that is sad. Do people bring you over casseroles when you have panic attacks, probably not, or do we see people raising money for those who need inpatient psych treatment and insurance will not pay, probably not, but, what you do have is real, and it sounds like you have drs that help with treatment and obviously the forethought to stay on top of it until you have the right environment,meds, support, etc... to make it better. That is half the battle, and the other is patience, which I laugh when a dr tells a pt that you have to wait 21 days for your new meds to kick in! Anyway, enough of the rant, you are two steps closer towards recovering from this, and self discovery is incredible (even with all the stress you are experiencing). So, time to be selfish (if you can even call it that, more like self-preservation) and take care of yourself, because how can you love anyone if you are feeling miserable. Do not shut yourself off from family and close friends (support). All your fans love you and will support you with anything you need, casseroles, money, support...Keep us updated when you feel like it, but you will be in our thoughts and prayers xoxoxo

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  57. T.J. I'm so sorry you are not doing well. I think I'm one of your newest Klunatics. I only wish that I could give you comfort and happiness the way your books have given me. I wish I could be your "Bear" and take your "earthquakes" away.

    It's obvious you have so many wonderful people that care about you. Surround yourself with the ones that love you T.J. Take this time to heal so I can't read more of the journey from the Kid and Dom.(I know....that's selfish of me but it's true).
    We will always love and support you.

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  58. TJ, although I do not know you personally I wanted to let you know that this is one of the most honesty brave posts I've read in a long time. Being someone who suffers too (fibromyalgia, OCD, panic/anxiety disorder, cfs) I know how hard it can be to admit to yourself that you are not super human. It's difficult to deal with the changes that you know need to happen & changes that are out of your control. When these changes involve a treasured relationship it can be, well devastating. Take all the time you need to quiet the storm. Breath in, breath out. We'll be here when you get back.

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  59. I wish I had words that could help you but I know that there are none powerful enough for that. Take your time, heal what you can and know that there are so many people who will be hoping and praying and sending you all the love they can spare. You're story has touched so many and I know that all of us who have watched it unfold want you and Eric to find the happiness you deserve.

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  60. Oh, Tj. I've been praying so hard for Eric, I forgot to pray for you. That's fixed now. As I've said before, I'm right down the road. You need anything---anything at all---say the word and I can be there in a few hours.

    May you be well.
    May you be happy.
    May you be content.
    May you be safe.
    May you be peaceful, and at ease.

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  61. Tj you have given us so very much during a time when you were pushed to extremes, the happiness, the sadness and then happiness again, only to realise that you need to take time for you. Eric has his support team and I do not believe for one minute he would begrudge you taking time out to work through your emotions. We your friends around the world, your family and Eric want nothing more for you than you being okay. Grief is a strange thing, people think we only grieve when someone dies, that is not accurate, there are many reasons why someone grieves. It is a cycle which needs to be traversed, sometimes, you will think you have got to acceptance only to find that it starts all over again. Grieve Tj, Grieve for what was, what is and for what will be. Allow yourself to do this, we arent going anywhere. We dont expect you to respond to anything we post or say as we just want you to know that you are in our hearts, our minds, and wrapped in our love. You bleed Tj, in everything you write, you bleed and we sit and think what can we do, reality is that we can only give you our support by posting, writing and by allowing you to be you. If I have come to realise anything in the past 12 months it is this, you get up, you breathe, your go through each second, minute, hour, day, week and year, one single step at a time. Tj do what is best for you and yeah deciding what that maybe is hard, it tears you up inside; however, it has to be done. Safely in the arms of your family, allow yourself to break, they will help put you back together. Sending you lots of love from Australia.

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  62. I've only met you once, Tj, and then very briefly, but I have followed your heartbreaking journey. It's not selfish to grieve for the death of your dreams, and to need some time to nurture yourself. You are incredibly strong, but even the strongest will break under enough pressure. So be self-ish - care for yourself and allow your soul to heal.

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  63. Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts.

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  64. Hugs and love to you. You take care of yourself. We will be here for you and Eric whenever you need us. <3

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  65. I am heartbroken for you. I will pray that you get to a better place in your life so you can be Ok.

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  66. I've been there. "Not okay" versus the so-very-much stronger, harsher language is a good sign, yup. Glad you're doing what you have to. xxoo

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  67. I was just coming by your blog to see if there were any more BOATK books. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have panic attacks sometimes. I am diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, depression, and anxiety, so I am disordered too! I have been a little "not-okay" myself lately... I turned down a really great job, one day before I was supposed to move out of state to begin it, because my anxiety was so high and I was so upset about leaving my family, I've been told people like me... and apparently you... actually feel things more intensely than other people. Feelings can even be physically painful.
    I don't know what else to tell you except, just hang on. Its like a rollercoaster.

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  68. I broke August 6, 2013. I wish I could tell you it gets better. It does not. The anguish, the ache, the pain is always present. I read but even that is failing. When I realize I have skein each day, I am greatly disappointed.

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  69. I wish you strength, healing and peace.

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  71. Merry Christmas from Italy Tj, hope you go better soon.

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  72. Still thinking of, and praying for, you both. XOXO

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  73. I am afraid you had it coming, you did too much, really. I really hope it is short but healthier and cleaner enough to keep you going for a long time. Wish you both the best

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  74. Sometimes at the end of day,
    When the sun has set and gone away,
    Thoughts I've kept at bay replay,
    Because life's a vicious bitch that way.

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