Welcome to the wide crazy world of TJ Klune

As you can see, this is a blog (a blog, you say? You're like the only person in the world that has one!). Here are my promises to you: I promise to up date this as much as I can. I promise that at some point, you will most likely be offended. I promise you may suffer from the affliction the Klunatics know as Wookie Cry Face. I also promise to make this some place where you can see how my mind works.

You've been warned.

Friday, December 30, 2011

How I Spent My Xmas Vacation

So I had this big old long blog post ready to go about my favorite shit of 2011.  But through the magic that is technology, it somehow got deleted, and the prospect of doing it all over again is making me nauseous.  I may have even said "Fuck you, computer!" in a very irate manner.  Just know there was shit I liked in 2011, some more than others.  The End.

So here instead, are things I learned and things I did on my Xmas vacation.

--When you have 12 straight days of vacation coming up, the work day stretches to infinity.  You know what I mean.  Those days approaching seem to last forever, and it SUCKS when you look at the clock, sure a few hours have passed only to realize it's been 14 seconds, well... just know that I hate that.

--That dawning sense of freedom you get when the day arrives?  When the clock says "Be free, my child!  Run like the wind and never look back!"  and you can't help but be in a good mood, and even though those around you aren't going on vacation and they are trying to do their best to put you in a bad mood, but it doesn't work because they're all just jealous ass hats?  I love moments like that.

--So I said "Good-bye, dear co-workers!" waving at them (and also secretly flipping them off.)  I ran from my cubicle and out the door to my car and drove home.  Of course, on the way, I stopped at the store and bought hard alcohol.  Keep in mind that I'm a lightweight (two beers makes me drunk) so that bottle will be in my freezer forever.  What can I say, I'm a cheap date. 

--Knowing full well it was Xmas in a couple of days and that I was leaving for Prescott, AZ the next, I immediately proceeded in wrapping the presents.  Now, there is something you should know about me.  It is my secret shame.  I, as a gay man.....cannot wrap presents.  Look away, I'm hideous!  Seriously.  It's awful, the job I do.  Take a normal simple box, and when I'm finished "wrapping" it, it'll look like one of those avant-garde pieces that is supposed to be "art" but that people don't really understand.  To much tape.  The corners folded weird.  Paper torn.  I was told once that my present wrapping abilitity ruins Xmas.  That person doesn't get presents from me anymore.  Bastard.

--I had to drive four hours up to Prescott.  By myself.  I told myself I would use that time to work out some plot kinks for Burn Book II, but instead spent the entire time going through my CD's (Yes, I still use CD's.  Yes, I still buy CD's.  No, I don't have an iPod.  Bite me) picking out ones that I hadn't listened to in forever.  What did I learn about myself musically?  A few things: first, I have some awesome music (Breaking Benjamin, Mumford and Sons, Florence and the Machine.)  Second, I have some of the gayest music ever (Don't even ask how many Britney albums I have.  Okay, fine, eight.  Shut up).  Third, I may be the best singer in the history of ever.  (okay, that last was a lie.  I'm sorry I lied.  I can't sing at all, but I really like to think I can.)

--I was staying in Prescott for a few days following Xmas because my sister was donating a kidney to another dude and she needed someone to drive her to Phoenix and back for the surgery and also to watch my eight year old nephew Noah, the most supreme badass kid to have ever existed.  So I packed a shit load of clothes.  Two bags worth.  Don't look at me like that.  I know I have a disease.  But at least I look good.

--Prescott AZ is in the mountains.  I fully expected there to be snow.  I was not disappointed.

See that little patch of white I'm standing on?  SNOW!!!!

--My favorite part about Xmas?  Oh, I could say the time spent with family, the meaning of the holiday season, the joy of giving to others, but that's bullshit.  Everyone likes presents, no matter their age.  If they say otherwise, they're a liar and a fat mouth.  I got an impossible new smart phone that I'll never be able to use (it's called a Droid Razr.  No, I didn't mis-type that.  Apparently it's way hip to misspell "Razr". Is it so much trouble to add in the extra "o"?  Pretty soon, everything will be abbreviated and nobody will know what anyone is talking about.  Prepare for the future!)  But look what else I got!
A full sized BOATK poster! It makes me feel kind of famous, and then I realize how douchey that sounds.  But then I get over it because I have a BOATK poster.

--Food coma with the little brother.  I still don't think I've fully recovered.

--So after Xmas was over, we drove down to Phoenix so my sister could have her surgery.  And of course, that would mean leaving me in charge of an eight year old.  What did I learn in the two days I had Noah.  HOLY FUCKING CHRIST KIDS ARE FUCKING EXHAUSTING.  JEBUS CRISP!!!!!  And emotionally manipulative.  Case in point:

"Noah, we just ate, how can you be hungry again?"
"Well, there's a Wendy's right there and they have root beer floats which are my favorite."
"Haven't you had enough sugar the past few days?"
"My mom let's me get root beer floats."
"Dammit.  One root beer float, please."

But you know what?  I love the crap out of that little dude.  He is so fucking hysterical.  He's so fucking smart.  He's so fucking awesome and those two days where it was just me and him were some of the best I've had in long while.   How can it not be when, while we were randomly in a Lowe's store, he told me that all the employees working there were really terrorists and we had to avoid them otherwise they'd get us and so we literally played hide and seek with Lowe's employees (even though they didn't know they were playing with us) because had they caught us, we would have been taken back to their base and tortured?  How can it not be when he looked me in the eye and said "I'm really glad you and I get to hang out, because I miss you when you're not here."

Ow. My heart.

--My sister pulled through the surgery with flying colors, and the recipient got a new lease on life as apparently his new kidney started working almost right away.  How rad is that?

--I drove them back up to Prescott and turned around and drove another four hours home.  I was good until the last hour or so and then I was fucking miserable because I had been sitting for so long.  So I started thinking about what would happen if the world really ended in 2012.  What would I have said I'd wished I'd done?  You know my dream to go to Stonehenge.  I also want to say I've been to the Amazon River.  And stood at the Grand Canyon (I know, I know: I live in Arizona, how the hell could I never have been?).  There's so many things I want to do in life, so I hope that the world doesn't end next  December.  (Apparently it's supposed to end Dec 23rd.  Which, if true, means we just celebrated our last Xmas as a human race!  PREPARE FOR FIRE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

--I still have four more days until I have to return to work.  Little bro and I are going shopping today and then to see the new Mission Impossible movie.  Did you know that Tom Cruise is like only 5'8?  How adorable is that?  It goes to show that even short closeted people can make it in Hollywood.

Here's to 2012! (as long as we don't burn in fire when the world explodes.)


  1. Your sister is awesome!!! She gave someone the best Christmas present there is, at a cost to herself. She goes in my unsung heroes book, and I hope her recovery is fast and uneventful. And your nephew sounds like a great kid. Thanks for the little glimpse of your holidays. It was almost like being there, without having to set foot in a Wendy's or a hospital.

    Best wishes for a great 2012, with more full-sized posters. (And do go see the Grand Canyon, in the off season. Worth the trip, and the way you feel looking at it will show up in a book someday - guarantee it.) Happy New Year.

  2. Woooooot! Yay for sister and heh... snow... it's a mythical thing.

    Sad to say, I come from a family of wrappers. I think it's required for Asians to be able to successfully wrap a fork... individually tines and all. :::nods:::

    Yeah, I spoil the kidlets too. Feed them sugar. Shake until well buzzed. Return to sender. :::grins:::

  3. Hi just read your post. WOW the poster is cool. How great that someone thought to get that made for you. Your first book, and it did so well it must be cool to have such a great reminder every day to look at. So glad you got to spend quality time with family. This might sound wierd but please pass along a thank you to your sister for her amazing gift. I've known since I was a teen that at some point I will need a kidney transplant (thankfully my meds have held it off longer than they thought). A lot of my family members right away offered to get tested when the time comes. It is an amzing feeling to know that so many cared about me. I was humbled. I am not sure if your sister knew the person she donated to but either way, she is an amazing person to do it. My cousin also has a kidney disease and has had many transplants. The last one was from a young man that just walked into the hospital and said he wanted to donate. She didn't know him and he didn't know her. It was that kidney that her body did not regect. Anyway sorry to run on just wanted to say that you have an awesome sister. Can't wait for BOATk 2 and Burn!!!! Have a safe, happy and successful new year!!

  4. I just got a chance to read this with all the holiday stuff going on and can I just say how much I enjoy the first book and this short story had me laughing so hard I was crying. If I ever have a kid I would want him to be just like this kid. Thank you so much for brightening my day.