Asexuality & Me; Or, How I Can Be 33 Years Old & Come Out Again

            Hi!

            My name is TJ Klune.

            My real name is Travis Klune.

            I answer to both.

            I’m an author. I write books about dudes falling in love with other dudes, having heart boners for each other, and getting into wacky adventures that sometimes involve unicorns or really smart vegetarian ecoterrorists-in-training.

            I like lasagna. I like reading out on my back deck. I like going on walks and trying to get lost on purpose. I talk a lot. Sometimes, I will go on Wikipedia and three hours will have passed and I have gotten lost in a Wiki spiral. I also like dogs, cats, tacos, the way it smells the morning after it rains, Britney Spears, men with beards, writing, playing video games, and pulling weeds in my sorry excuse for a flowerbed that wraps around my house.

            I like laughing. I like making other people laugh. Sometimes, I make people have Wookie Cry Face. I’m not a people person, to be honest. I have anxiety disorder and it sometimes fucks with my head a little bit. I’m still not all the way okay after events that started in December 2013 that led to a necessary dissolution of a relationship I was in. Eric needed to focus on himself, and I couldn’t find a way to be part of that focus, and for that, I sometimes feel like a failure, like I wasn't strong enough to do what other people could have done in my place. I get nervous in front of large crowds, even if people don’t think I do. I like to write how I think people talk. I started telling people I was gay when I was thirteen years old because it was the closest thing that made sense.

            So, hi!

            I’m TJ Klune.

            My real name is Travis Klune.

            I answer to both.

            I’m also a sex-positive asexual.

            Now, I know what you’re thinking. Really, Tj Klune? You like BRITNEY SPEARS? WTH.

            And to that, I say shut up. I love her. She will always be my queen.

            You may also be thinking, sex-positive asexual? What is…that.

            And that’s a fair question.

            If you look at www.asexuality.org, you’ll see that asexual is defined as someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

            That’s a fair definition, even if it’s a bit broad.

            If we were to delve into it a bit further (because there is always subsets to the subsets), there is the term homoromantic, which is defined as a person who is romantically attracted to a member of the same sex.

            Sex-positive means that I can understand and appreciate the sexual aspect of a relationship, even if I don’t necessarily need it.

            So, if we’re being specific, I’m a sex-positive homoromantic asexual.

            And holy shit, that is a fucking mouthful.

            Which is why, for the longest time, I just thought I was gay. And that’s what I told other people. Because I didn’t know you could be anything else.

            Look, I’ve had sex with men. Quite a lot of sex, if I’m being honest. But ever since I lost my virginity, I never really understood why I wasn’t feeling the way others seemed to feel about it, or why I didn’t have the same reaction my partners had. I’ve had sex. I’ve had what can probably be labeled as holy fuck that was good sex. I can…um. Complete. Finish. Glaze donuts, make you look like a lava lamp, or whatever.

            But the sex never felt like what I thought it was supposed to feel like. I could understand the motions behind it. I could understand the good and the bad of it. I learned to know how to do it. It has always been consensual.

            It just never felt like more.

            I am okay with sex.

            I just don’t need to have it. And, if I’m being honest, would sometimes prefer not to have it at all.

            It was easier for me to identify as gay, because I was attracted to men. I don’t want to have sex with women. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman. If I ever saw myself in a relationship, I always thought it would be with a man. That hasn’t changed since I was eleven years old.

            But I don’t know that I want to do that anymore. Because I don’t know that that’s who I am.

            If you look above at the first definition of asexuality, it says an asexual does not experience sexual attraction. There is a difference between attraction and sexual attraction. I tend to be attracted to the way people talk. The way they laugh. The way they think. I am attracted to sarcasm and snark and intelligence. It’s not about being sexual. It’s about being compatible.

            I have never been sexually abused.

            I have never been hurt in a sexual way.

            I just don’t need sex.

            And that’s okay. It really is. I am learning to be happy again. I am learning more about myself than I have in the previous thirty three years. I’m learning that I am one weird motherfucker, and that’s okay.

            So what does that mean for you?

            Good news!

            Absolutely nothing.

            Because nothing will change.

            It’s just a label, after all.

            Did you see those things I wrote about myself before?

            Those are the things that define me.

            I am weird and quirky and I talk too much and sometimes, I can’t control the way my brain thinks. Sometimes, I get sad and don’t know how to fix it. It usually goes away by itself.

            Labels aren’t necessary. Just because I’m a certain way, shouldn’t necessarily mean much to others. If you like me, I hope it’s because of all the reasons I listed first. If you don’t like me, I hope it’s because of those same reasons.

            Being asexual may be a part of me, but it doesn’t define me.

            Why the label, then? What was the point of all of this?

            I've tried to be very transparent in the last four years since I've been an author. Many of you reading this have been here since the beginning, seeing me fumble my way through being in a spotlight for the first time in my life. Some of it was good. Some of it bad. Much of it probably awkward and cringe-worthy. 

            But I've always tried to be as honest as possible with anyone who follows me. There have been times I've received emails or comments from some sixteen or seventeen year old, saying how my stories have helped them figure out who they were. And if I can keep on doing that, I will. This is me saying that this is who I am. This is the way I'm supposed to be. And you can sure as shit bet I will fight tooth and nail for every shred of happiness I can allow myself to have. And if that helps someone else, then I like to think I've accomplished what I've set out to do. Label yourself, don't label yourself, it doesn't matter. Just find a reason to be happy with who you are or who you could be.

           So. 

           Hi!

            I’m TJ Klune.

            My real name is Travis Klune.

            I answer to both.

            I like carrot sticks. And putting sour cream on pizza. And watching cat videos on YouTube. My brother and I still think farts are funny. I have a nephew who I adore, and I think my sister is one of the strongest people alive. I really like my friends. I’m going to a couple of baseball games next weekend with Abi Roux, even though baseball is boring. I had a bad week at work this week, so I’m glad it’s the weekend. I want to write a book about an author who writes monster porn. I’m probably going to mow the lawn tomorrow. I like ketchup on way too many things, Stephen King, Fallout 3, Jennifer Lopez romantic comedies, classical music, driving with the sunroof open, and Christmas (119 more days!!!!)

            That’s who I am.

            That’s what I do.

            I just also happen to be asexual.

            And you know what?

            That’s okay.