Okie dokie, friends and neighbors! Here we are again, entering into the holiday season, a time of love and joy and family and blah, blah blah. That's all bullshit, right? We know the real meaning of Christmas, don't we? It's about how Santa is really Satan and tries to take over the world. That's the true meaning of the holidays. Good thing there's a kick-ass vegetarian who rises up to fight the Devil.
Couple of things:
1) Yes, this is illustrated. But, of course, my scanner broke THE DAY I AM RELEASING THIS FUCKING STORY!!!! So, I had to be all ghetto and take photos of each picture and upload them. I call it guerrilla illustrating, so it makes me sound more awesome. But, keep in mind you can click on each picture and it'll blow up so you can read all the words I've written there. Trust me, there's a few things you don't want to miss.
2) You will most likely get Wookiee Cry Face. I did.
3) I really want a burrito from Los Betos right now.
4) This one time I--
What was that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I talk too much. Here's your damn story and have a merry holiday blah, blah, blah.
Remember, you can share this story, but ask me first, cool? Don't be a dick about it. I wrote it, it's mine and I know attorneys (okay, I don't really, but didn't that scare you?).
'Twas A Few Days Before Christmas
Part II:
DIE, SATAN, DIE
A Heartwarming Holiday BOATK Short
By TJ Klune
“Bear! Otter!”
The scream from the Kid is one of
such mortal terror that I swear my heart stops instantly in my chest. I’m running through the kitchen of the Green
Monstrosity even before I realize I’m moving, sure I’ll enter the living room
where the Kid and Dom are sitting and find them both lit on fire or their skin
sloughing off due to a rapidly spreading case of necrotizing fasciitis (that’s
the flesh-eating disease for all of you not in the know. I saw a report of it on the news a couple of
months back and was convinced for the longest time that every unclean surface
would carry necrotizing fasciitis and that everyone I loved would contract it
and have their noses fall off. Which, of
course, led to the thought of trying to make out with Otter while he didn’t
have a nose and I just couldn’t picture
it and I told him that it may make me an asshole, but if he lost his nose,
I’d probably end up leaving him because what would happen if I kissed him and my nose went into the hole where his
nose used to be and I tried to take a breath and ended up breathing in his
insides? He gave me the weirdest look
and I was reminded yet again that sometimes, I shouldn’t say everything that
comes across my brain. That, and I heard
Otter and the Kid talking later and my name and the words “manic” and
“obsessive compulsive” were uttered in the same sentence and then I sort of
wished they both would lose their noses for talking about my crazy behind my
back. But, to be honest, by then I was
already partially distracted by trying to figure out if the flesh eating
disease was the same as leprosy and I really just lost a whole day pursuing that idea).
Yeah, yeah, I know: same old Papa Bear.
Blargh.
But now that doesn’t matter because
the way Ty has screamed my name means I have to get to him as quickly as I
can. I can hear Otter thundering down
the stairs from where he was pulling down the last of the Christmas decorations
from the closet in the spare bedroom. I
almost crash into him, but manage to avoid the collision by doing this
jump/spin/dive/kick thingy that I am sure would look awesome in slow
motion. I’m surprised when I land on my
feet and I have a moment where I think that I would have made a spectacular
ninja assassin, but then I’m running again, crossing the last few feet until I
reach the living room.
Please
don’t be necrotizing fasciitis. Please
don’t be necrotizing fasciitis.
It’s not necrotizing fasciitis.
The Kid is not on fire.
As a matter of fact, he and Dom are
standing in front of the couch, watching me expectantly. The Kid smiles as Otter crashes into my
back.
“Told you that would get them in
here,” Ty tells Dom. He’s holding pieces
of paper in his hands.
“That was amazing,” Dom rumbles at
him in that broken voice of his. “I
don’t think I’ve ever seen Bear move that fast.”
“What happened?” I demand, darting
my eyes between them, sure still that something is wrong. Maybe the necrotizing fasciitis is eating
them from the inside out.
“Bear can move fast when he wants
too,” the Kid says, rolling his eyes.
“Usually though, it’s only when there’s bacon involved. You remember that documentary we watched on
the hunting habits of the Tyrannosaurus Rex?
It’s kind of like that. Lots of
snarling, bloody meat-eating, and stubby little arms.”
“You don’t have stubby little arms,”
Otter says automatically, patting my shoulder.
“Are you dying?” I ask the Kid, my
voice high-pitched.
“Not unless you plan on being killed
by my epic-ness,” he says, a glint in his eyes.
Dom snorts next to him and Ty elbows
him in the stomach. “Epic-ness is not a
word,” he says with a chuckle.
“Creative license,” the Kid says.
“Creative….” I stop, my eyes narrowing
and going to the papers in his hands. He
didn’t. “You didn’t.”
His grin is positively gleeful. “I did.”
“What?” Otter asks, glancing between
the two of us.
“You manipulative little shit,” I
growl, taking a step forward. “You
screamed like that to get us in here just so you could tell us another
Christmas poem!”
He scowls at me. “What do you mean by just? That was literally the
high point of your year last year.” He
glances over my shoulder. “Well, aside
from that whole Otter thing.”
“Wow,” Otter says from behind
me. “It’s always fun to know that the
best thing in my life gets reduced to ‘that whole Otter thing.’ And I was about to be excited about your dumb
poem.”
“Dumb?”
Ty says, obviously outraged.
I grin back at him over my
shoulder. “Best thing in your life,
huh? Damn right.”
Otter smiles crookedly at me.
“Gross,” the Kid whispers loudly to
Dom. “Watch. They’re going to start kissing in a minute. They do that now all the time. Creed says it’s because they’re in the
honeymoon phase of their marriage, even though they got married like four
months ago. He told me I was going to be
disgusted for weeks. It’s already felt
like years.”
“I wonder if it’s too late to go
back to court and say I changed my mind,” I ask Otter, doing my best not to
turn back and kiss him just because I don’t want to prove the Kid right. “Do
you think they have an adoption return policy? Like if you don’t like the
little thing you’ve adopted, you can return it within a year for a full
refund?”
“We could,” Otter says, “but I don’t
think they’d take back damaged product.”
He stands next to me and squints at Ty.
“And this is very damaged.”
“You know what’s sad, Dom?” the Kid
asks very loudly.
“What’s that?”
“When your older brother and his
husband think they’re funny but happen to be the only people that think so.”
“I think they’re funny,” Dom admits
with a shrug.
“I’ve always knew it’d be you who
betrayed me,” Ty says, looking scandalized.
I can’t help but feel a slight chill to his words, but I push that away,
thinking it’s probably just my crazy again.
“Am I in the poem more this time?”
Otter asks. “Last time, I was in it for
like two minutes and only after everything was done. That was lame.”
“Yeah, but I also wrote that you and
Bear were going to get married and look what happened.” He has a smug look on his face that I have to
fight from smiling at.
“I’m in,” Otter says, just as I knew
he would.
“Fine,” I say, throwing my hands up
in the air. “It can’t be any worse than
last year, could it?”
“This time I have illustrations!”
the Kid exclaims.
“Oh sweet Jesus,” I mutter.
We move to sit on the couch, Otter
wrapping his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. I lay my head on his shoulder and can’t help
but glance down at the rings on our hands as his fingers touch mine. My breath catches in my throat as it often
does when it hits me yet again that we’re as married as two men can be in the
state of Oregon. Little goose bumps
prickle along my skin and I turn and kiss the skin of his neck lightly,
brushing my nose against his unshaven cheek.
He grunts quietly and pulls me tighter, knowing everything I’m thinking
like he always does.
“No commentary this time,” the Kid
says, scowling at me.
I snort. “Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
His eyes narrow, but he lets it
go. “Okay, this year, the epic
spectacular of a poem is titled ‘Twas A Few
Days Before Christmas Part II: Die, Satan, Die.”
We all stare at him.
“What?” he says defensively. “Satan returns. He has to die. It’s pretty much the point.”
“Christmas is so weird in your
house,” Dom says.
“I also have a tagline for it,” the
Kid says, “in case it gets optioned for a movie.” He takes in a deep breath and lowers his
voice. “This Christmas, we’ll make the
Yuletide pay.”
“No amount of therapy can fix this,”
I say, disbelieving what I’ve just heard.
“Get it?” he asks, ignoring me. “Instead of gay, it’s pay. Although, in this household, I’m pretty sure gay fits more appropriately. It’s like our own daily pride parade up in
here.”
“He’s not a normal kid,” I mumble
for the trillionth time. “My little brother has figured out how to use puns. The Mayans were right: this is the year of
the apocalypse.”
“Understatement,” Otter whispers. “I wish we had made a fallout shelter.”
“I can hear you,” the Kid reminds us.
“Let’s get this over with,” I tell
him.
“You make it sound as if this is the
worst thing ever.”
“I haven’t had my wisdom teeth
pulled,” I tell him. “So I can’t say
quite yet.”
He rolls his eyes, takes a deep
breath, and begins.
'Twas a few days before
Christmas
in the fabled town of
Seafare.
There was magic flowing
in the streets,
and a delightful
feeling in the air!
It was the holiday
season
returned again at last!
This year would be most
epic!
To make up for the year
just past!
You see, much has
changed
in Seafare, and all
around the world.
Everyone has altered their
ways!
Every single boy! Every single girl!
From the most staunch
and stoic,
From little ones to octogenarians!
Because of one brave,
smart, and most excellent boy,
everyone in the world has
turned into vegetarians!
[“Oh Jesus,” I moan into my hands. “It’s starting already. I swear to God we at least got through more
stanzas last year before you started preaching.”
“Yeah, and I swear to God we got through
more stanzas before you decided it was okay for you to rudely interrupt a
future poet laureate,” the Kid retorts.
“Oh, snap,” Otter says. “You got so burned. Someone call the burn unit. Bear’s gonna need skin grafts for those
third-degree burns.”
“You need to stop hanging out with
Creed,” I tell him. “You’re not as funny
as you think you are.
“I’m hysterical,” Otter reassures me.]
Everyone clearly
remembered
what happened last
year,
when a single man named
Bear
caused a torrential
downpour of demonic fear.
In his selfish need (as
is always the same)
to be the first to sit
on the lap of St. Nick,
he almost brought about
the End of Days,
all the while acting
like a total and complete dick.
[“Tyson McKenna!” I shout above
Otter’s laughter.
“I couldn’t find a word that rhymed
with ‘Santa’!” the Kid shouts back.
“In the city of Atlanta! I was drinking a Fanta! For my stomach ache,
I took Mylanta!”
“Huh,” the Kid says, looking down at
his poem with a shrug. “I suppose those
could have worked. Hindsight’s a bitch,
eh?”]
It turned out that
Santa was Satan
and rose up to destroy
all he saw!
A great battle ensued
as the Devil roared out
his gaping maw!
But thanks to the
smarts
of the one known as the
Kid,
Satan himself was
banished
and of the Devil, the
world was rid!
And in the year that
has followed
The world did heed his
call!
Everyone converted to
vegetarianism,
Oh, joyous day, happy
for one and all!
Well, there wouldn’t be
a poem
if it was really one and all.
You, see there is one
person now.
One person who could
cause the world to fall.
[“Five bucks says I’m that person,”
I grouse.
The Kid rolls his eyes. “It’s not all about you. But I wouldn’t bet against that, either.”
“I think it’s all you, too” Otter
tells me. “You already tried to destroy
the world once by flirting with Santa and wanting to get up all in his
business. Pretty sure you’re lucky I
still married you. You’re welcome.”
“All of you are so stupid,” I mutter.]
One person that did not
heed the change
or the warnings of the
super-intelligent boy.
One person who had been
locked up since the previous Christmas,
all because he still
wanted to eat baby cows instead of bok choy.
[“I don’t even know what bok choy
is,” I say.
“Chinese cabbage,” Dom rumbles.
“Gross.”]
Yes! You’re right!
You know who it is!
His name now brings
fear everywhere!
That name synonymous
with harbingers of doom!
The one, the only, the
super scary Papa Bear!
[“I am divorcing you all,” I say.]
Locked in a cage, deep
under Seafare,
to keep his carnivorous
appetite at bay.
For if another person
should decide to eat meat,
Satan could return and
ruin everyone’s day!
But let us leave him
for now,
and to the surface
return!
It won’t take as long
to get back to him, however,
unlike the wait for the
sequel to the book Burn!
[“What?” Otter asks, sounding
baffled. “What’s Burn?”
“Trust me,” the Kid says. “You don’t even want to get me started.”]
Here in Seafare,
Christmas is in the air!
With holly and pine and
the kissing mistletoe.
Everyone is
tra-la-la-ing,
filled with cheer as
they move to and fro!
“Hello, Tyson!” people
call out to the intelligent boy.
“It’s lovely to see
you! How have you been?”
The Kid gives a jaunty
wave in return,
and says, “I am the
most happiest of men!”
And it’s true, he is,
more than I could say!
Everyone agrees with
him, as they rightly should!
Nothing could possibly
go wrong,
and they wouldn’t, even
if they could!
[“Ooooo,” Otter says. “Foreshadowing.”
“More like blatant upside the head
shadowing,” I say.
“Your uppance shall come,” the Kid
says with a scowl.
“You’re not very threatening,” Dom
tells him.]
Everything is
right! Everything is fine!
Everyone is glorious,
smiling and free!
But, alas, things are
not always what they seem,
for there is trouble
afoot in the town by the sea.
There is one who is
sick in the heart,
for he loves the man
imprisoned in the cage.
He would do anything to
see him freed,
Even if it meant
ignoring advice that is sage!
[“You better not be talking about
me,” Otter says with a frown. “I say
leave Bear in the cage.”
“Hey!”]
His name is Oliver
Thompson,
though everyone knows
him as Otter.
But maybe one day he
can go by “Dad”
should they ever decide
to adopt a son or daughter.
[Everyone stares at me. I don’t even know what to say.
Sure
you do, it whispers. You’ll smile and nod and say oh sure, can’t
wait! Because you just do everything for
him now, don’t you? All that he wants is
what matters. And you saw the look on
his face holding little JJ, didn’t you.
You know what he wants. You know.
“Tyson, move on,” Otter says
quietly.
“But—”
“Just read your poem, okay?”
He nods. “Okay, Otter.”
Way
to speak up, as always, Bear.]
Unbeknownst to the
town,
Otter has snuck in to
see Bear.
And what has he brought
with him?
A single piece of
bacon. Oh, world, beware!
Bear has been slightly
tricksy,
telling Otter that he
needs bacon to live.
And Otter, being the
man that he is,
has decided he will be
the one to give.
[“Awww,” I say.
“Shit,” Otter groans.]
“Bear,” Otter
says. “Oh, Bear!”
“I have brought you
some succulent bacon!”
“Thanks be to the
heavens,” Bear says.
“Without it, I have
just been a-achin’!”
“Fear not,” Otter
cries, “oh, love of my life.
I shall make sure your
life is sustained!”
And with that, he slips
the bacon into Bear’s hands.
And what is to follow
shall surely be Otter’s blame.
Bear takes the bacon
and shoves it in his mouth,
chewing and biting like
it’s going out of style.
“Whew,” he says as he
swallows it down. “That was good!
Though, I’ll probably
be gassy in just a little while.”
Then his face contorts
in a grimace,
And his hands wrap
around his middle.
“Scratch that,” he says. “It seems as if
my stomach has already
started to twiddle.”
Twiddle it does, but
not just because of the pig meat,
(though, to be honest,
that’s wouldn’t be a big surprise).
No, it is something
more, something bigger,
and the underground
starts to shake, to move, to terrorize!
[“I just brought back Satan, didn’t
I,” Otter says.
“You truly did,” Dom agrees, shaking
his head.
“Awesome,” I say. “At least it wasn’t me this time. I win at
everything”
Otter punches me in the arm. Asshole.]
“What is this
trickery?” Otter cries,
as the ground beneath
begins to crack!
Then comes a horrendous
roar!
Like an oncoming
monster about to attack!
“Uh, maybe I should
leave,” Otter says,
starting to back
against the far wall.
“I’m pretty sure some
bad crap is about to happen.
And I probably
shouldn’t have given you bacon. Not at all.”
But Bear doesn’t seem
to hear him,
as he is bent over, his
face constricted in pain!
The roaring sound grows
even louder!
And then from the
depths rises a beast thought slain!
He is fifty feet tall,
if he is an inch.
And all fiery and
brimstone and black and red!
His teeth are foot long
wicked hooks!
And he wears a Santa
hat between the horns on his head!
IT WAS SANTA/SATAN!!!!!
He has risen once more!
He looks down at the
cage with a grin
and says, “Why hello
there, you meat whore.”
[“When he gets called into the next
brother-teacher conference,” I tell Otter, “I’m going to tell them that this
kind of thing is all your fault. He was
normal until I went gay for you. Ish.”
“Meat whore!” Otter gasps, tears
streaming down his cheeks. “It’s so
true!”
“The only reason my teachers call
you is because they don’t understand my level of intellect,” the Kid says.
“Yeah. Keep telling yourself that, Ty. It’s bound to come true one day.”]
“It seems that my
mortal enemy,” Satan says,
“could not live up to
expectations.
All the world will be
vegetarians?
Ha! There seems to have been a slight
complication!”
“Santa!” Bear shrieks,
as he once again is fooled.
“Oh, Santa, I’ve been
such a good boy!
This year, I have so
many presents I would love!
Like how I still would
like an adult toy!”
[“Oh, God, not this again,” I say,
burying my face in my hands.
“What do you mean by adult toy?” Dom
asks the Kid, who leans over and whispers something in his ear. Dom’s eyes widen as he looks at Otter and me
with a strange look. “Ew,” he says,
wrinkling his nose. “Why would you put
that up anywhere?”
“CPS is so getting called back to
this house,” Otter says. “Yikes.”]
“My dear boy,” Satan
says with a grin.
“I fear we’ve moved
beyond that. A sort of progression.
No, now is not the time
for blow up dolls or rubber dongs.
Now is the time for possession!
“You see, when the Kid
cast me back to Hell
using the power of the
Vegetarian Club and his animal friends,
it did something to my
immortal body.
But alas, not to
worry. I have found my means to my end.”
“Uh, so, do you mind if
I get out of here?” Otter asks.
“I mean, I wouldn’t
want to be in your way.
Trust me, I’m really a
bore, and I have tons of stuff to do.
So, like, I could
totally see you another day.”
[“You’d leave me to get possessed?” I snap at the jerk.
He shrugs. “Apparently, like, totally, I have stuff,
like, to do. And stuff. You got this.”
“Do you think Erica handles
dissolutions of civil unions?” I ask the Kid.
He nods. “Pretty sure.
Throw enough money at her, and I’ll bet she’ll do anything. She is an attorney***, after all.”]
***This
does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the author. He is sure attorneys can be wonderful people. . Who
don’t have souls.
“Nonsense, Otter,”
Satan says, waving jovially hello.
“You can stay in this
cage, locked in Bear’s place!
After all, we can’t
have anyone warning those up above.
But don’t worry. I won’t make too much of a mess of his face.”
And with that, it
began! A demonic possession!
Bear opens his mouth to
shout for more selfish things,
and Satan shrinks down
and flies right in his mouth,
like a bird taking
flight on a wing.
[“These pictures are very disturbing,
Kid,” I say as Dom hands me yet another.
“How about we keep these here in the house and not show anyone any of
these ever?”
“Too afraid of my artistic abilities
becoming known to the world?” he asks.
“Er.
I don’t think that’s quite it.”]
It is over in just a
few seconds or so,
and when Bear opens his
eyes, they briefly flash red.
One must almost feel
sympathy for the devil, however,
being trapped inside
Papa Bear’s head.
[“Oh, ha, ha very funny! Some people like listening to me and further
more—”]
But somehow he is able
to manage,
as Satans/Santas are
prone to do.
Because what is the
devil if not hella neurotic?
He and Bear probably stick
together like glue.
“At last!”
Bear/Satan/Santa says deeply.
“While this body may
not be the most tough,
I think it will work
out just fine!
After all, I remember
that Bear likes it a bit rough.”
“Yeah,” Otter says
smugly. “I can attest to that quite well.
Though, I don’t know if
that is precisely the point.
It seems as if you are
still locked in the cage!
How do you plan on
busting out of that joint?”
“Quite simply!” Satan
says, with a haughty little smirk.
“It’s quite easier than
you think!”
In Bear’s normal voice,
Satan said, “Hey, Sweet thang!
Could you let me out of
here?” And then he laid out a devious wink!
Otter, it’s true, is
susceptible to Bear’s awkward charm,
and will easily (as
usual) answer his every desire.
So with that, Otter
reaches over and unlocks the cage.
Even if the being
inside Bear is a big fat liar.
[“Isn’t it awesome how I answer your
every desire?” Otter says, kissing my forehead.
“I desire you to make this poem stop
and never happen again,” I tell him.
“Okay, well maybe not every desire.”]
And with only a few
seconds to pass
Bear and Otter’s places
are switched!
“Man,” Otter groans,
his hands on the bars.
“That’ll teach me the
next time I wanna get hitched.”
And Santa/Bear/Satan
lets out a blood curdling chortle,
As he looks up toward
the surface with glee!
“Oh, Tyson! Oh, Kid!”
he shouts out.
“I think I shall rise
above and break both your knees!”
And far overhead,
walking the streets of Seafare,
the Kid is in the
middle of petting a Christmas horse,
when he hears a
maniacal cackle run through his head!
“Oh, no,” he whispers. “There’s a disturbance in the Vegetarian Force!”
[“The Vegetarian Force?” I
echo. “Are you kidding me?”
“What?” the Kid asks
innocently. “It’s not like George Lucas
can sue me anymore. That jerk sold out
to Disney and now we’re going to have princesses singing about waiting for
their princes to come while holding light sabers!”
“What the hell is he talking about?”
I ask Dom.
“Oh, you don’t want to know,” Dom
warns. “Trust me, if he gets going on
this, it will never end. I don’t think
I’ve ever seen anyone type that much on an Internet message board before.”
“I mean, really George Lucas? Disney?
Are you out of your flipping Jar Jar Binks-creating mind? There are going to be
Ewok parades at Epcot! And Wookiee’s on
ice! And—”
“I told you,” Dom groans.]
SIDE NOTE:
How TJ Klune Feels about Disney buying the Star War Franchise:
Twenty minutes later,
after the Kid bitches about a new Star Wars trilogy by Disney (yes! THIS IS A REAL THING) coming to a theater
near you starting in 2015 that should never ever happen:
The ground begins to
shake, like an earthquake underneath.
People start to scream,
to run, and to fret!
The earth splits open
wide, and buildings tumble down.
“Oh,” the Kid says
wisely. “I should have known this wasn’t
over yet.”
And from the gaping
hole on Main Street
There rises such a
fright!
A skinny, pasty white
figure of a man!
IT WAS BEAR/SANTA/SANTAN
COMING TO DESTROY THIS NIGHT!!!!!!!
But as we all know, as
these stories are told,
our hero will rise, to
beat back the darkness!
More dashing than Bond,
more powerful than Superman,
he even looks better
than Captain Jack Harkness!
[“Who?” I ask.
The Kid slaps his forehead. “Do you not follow pop culture at all?”
“Pop culture? You mean like the Kardashians?”
The Kid bows his head. “Dear Jesus. How are you? I am fine. Please
strike Bear down for that last comment.
You know why.”]
But even someone as
debonair as the Kid
would stutter at this
sight of his possessed brother.
“Satan!” he cries. “You
diabolical mastermind!
Not him! Never him!
You had best find another!”
“Ah, child,” Satan
coos. “You find this form displeasing?
I thought as much, but
fear not!
You won’t be alive long
enough to worry.
Now come on, veggie
boy! Give me all you got!”
The Kid shakes off his
worry, and reaches behind his back,
And pulls out the
legendary Vegetarian Club!
“I beat you once,” he
snarls. “I can beat you again!”
“Aye,” Satan says. “But isn’t that the rub?
“You see, little
cretin, you’ve grown slack in your vegetarian message.
While you cavorted
around the earth, preaching wisdom and receiving praise,
I’ve only grown every
stronger in the pits of Hell.
Now, you shall bear
witness to the true END OF DAYS!”
As a storyteller, I
wish that I could tell you,
that all Satan’s
bravado is for naught.
That the Kid defeats
him quite quickly.
But that’s not the type
of story you’ve sought.
The vegetarian is brave,
yes, as all vegetarians are.
He leaps through the
air, the Vegetarian club raised over his head!
The plan is quite
simple, really! Foolproof! Amazing!
Kick Satan’s ass again
and again and this time, make sure he’s dead!
O, alas! That is not quite what happens.
The club whips through
the air with a whistle that is grand!
But right before he
smashes his demonic Christmas looking brother in the mouth,
Bear/Santa/Satan stops
the Club’s descent with a single hand!
[“I. Am. So. Awesome,” I crow.
“Uh, you’re possessed by Satan,”
Otter reminds me. “That is pretty much
the opposite of awesome.”
“Oh.
Right. Well, it’s still kind of awesome.”]
The Kid stops frozen,
unable to believe what he sees.
Satan lashes his hand
out, knocking the boy wonder back!
The Kid lands fifty
feet away, and rises from the ground
in time to see Satan
break the Club over his knee with a resounding CRACK!
The disturbance in the
Vegetarian Force grows stronger
as the energy from the
Club rushes out.
It explodes across the
tiny kingdom of Seafare.
And for the first time
in a very long time, the Kid is filled with doubt.
For who is he really,
but just a little boy?
He’s been lost before,
and it seems sometimes he’ll never be found.
And there’s a single
moment when he wonders if that will always be true.
That there will always
be an Ocean there for which he could drown.
He’s different, he
knows, different than most of the other kids.
And there are times
that he wishes it wasn’t always this way.
That maybe, every once
in a while, he could just be normal.
That he could just be a
kid. Just run. Just play.
[I want to say something. Anything.
Oh, God, how my heart hurts. But
I don’t know what would make this okay.
I don’t know anything I could do to make him okay.]
But then the Kid
remembers something that he has kept secret.
That when the world
seems to be at its most dark and gray,
he might just have one
simple solace, one place to turn.
And to her, always to
her, he begins to pray.
“Mrs., P,” he
whispers. “If you could hear me now.
It’s me. The Kid.
God, how I miss you so.
I could really use your
help right now.”
And all around him
begin to drop little flecks of snow.
[“Ty—” I croak out, watching as a
tear slides down his cheek. Otter grabs
my hand and shakes his head just once and pulls me back into him. I look on as Dom wraps his arm around my
little brother’s shoulders and leans down, putting his chin on the Kid’s head.
For a moment, his little hands tremble
and the papers rattle in the quiet. He
tries to start once again, but his voice catches. He clears his throat and nods his head. And starts again.]
While the Devil laughs,
feeling so very triumphant,
The tiny flecks of ice
crystal begin to swirl and form.
And out of the spinning
white mass a beautiful angel appears,
made almost whole by
the sudden winter storm.
The Kid looks up from
his position on his knees,
and sees into kind eyes
the one person he misses the most.
She chuckles kindly
down at him, reaching out to cup his face.
She says, “You bet your
sweet ass I’d come back as a ghost.”
“I miss you every day,”
he says to the face he adores as his voice breaks.
“I thought I would be
okay, but sometimes it’s just all too much.”
She laughs quietly and
says, “Those we love are never truly gone, my boy.
I would have thought
that, from me, you would have learned as such.”
“I suppose that I try,”
he admits. “Thought I don’t always
succeed.
I think that I thought
I could be stronger than I truly would be.”
“Fear not, my Kid,”
Mrs. P. smiles. “I will help to show you
the way.
And with that, in this
world, you can truly be free.”
She leans forward till
her lips are near his ear.
He takes in a deep
breath of her, and it’s like lilacs, softly sweet.
She whispers the secret
of Christmas to him quietly,
and then with her strong,
lovely arms, helps lift him to his feet.
“You understand now,
Ty?” she asks, stroking his hair.
“I think so,” he says
slowly. “It’s like knowing you’ll never
be far.
Because the strength
doesn’t come from just one person.
It comes from all of
us. It’s from all of us because this is
who we are.”
She tilts back her head
and lets out such a laugh!
It’s a sound that
reminds him of twinkling lights, of silvery bells.
“You couldn’t be more
goddamn, right,” she says with a grin.
“Now, Ty. Do what you do best. Kick the Devil’s ass. Send him back to hell.”
[I can’t help the watery bark of
laughter that comes out because in his words, I can hear her, knowing that is exactly something she would have
said. Jesus, how could I not have known
this was hitting him as hard as it is?
He’d bounced back so much that I thought it miraculous. Has it been like this for him the whole time?
I pull away from Otter and this
time, he lets me go. In three short
steps, I wrap my brother up in my arms and feel his little body shake against
mine. His hands wrap around my neck and
his face presses against my throat and for a moment, we just breathe.
Its minutes later that I sit with
him in my lap on the floor. I place my
chin on the top of his head and only a moment passes before Otter curls himself
around us. He kisses my wet cheek and
then leans down to murmur quietly in Ty’s ear.
I look up and see Dom standing a few
feet away, looking unsure. I don’t even
have to think when I raise my hand out to him.
He watches me for a moment, then nods and reaches out and grasps my
hand. I pull him toward us and he sits
at my side, resting his hand on the Kid’s knee.
“Finish it, honey,” I tell my
brother quietly. “Kick the Devil’s
ass. Send him back to hell.”]
The Kid nods up to her
and gives her a brave smile.
“I’ll do what you said,
and thank you for all that you’ve given me.
Thank you for all that
you are. Because of you I’ll be strong.
I promise you I’ll make
something of myself. Just you wait and
see.”
She laughs again and
does a little twirl in the falling snow.
“Honestly,” she says,
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.
Now end the Devil’s
reign of evil, you should!
Oh! And I have another surprise for you, I must
confess.”
Satan/Santa/Bear stops
in his destruction of the town,
as if from far away he
could hear the strong lady’s words.
He takes a step toward
Mrs. P with a snarl on his face,
but she waves her hands
through the air, bringing on a flurry of birds.
The eagles and hawks
and owls fly down,
in a snarling, crying
snap of fluttering wings.
They rocket towards the
Devil who begins to roar,
and somewhere in the
smoldering town, church bells begin to ring.
The birds attack Satan
with an almighty ferocious might,
and he cries out in
extraordinary agony as the talons scratch his face.
“Now,” the Christmas
angel says with a grin,
“it’s time we put this
bastard back in his place.”
She turns back to the
Kid and raises her hands,
And around her rises up
the swirling snow.
“There once was a time
when the world was young,” she says.
“Before we had
forgotten all there was to know.
“A great beast arose
from the darkest of night,
And brought with it a
destructive hoard.
But there was one who
rose to stop them all.”
And with that, the snow
froze and formed into a beautiful sword.
[“Next year,” I tell the Kid, “you
should probably just have it be a mega death ray. Seems like it would be easier than a club or
a sword. Maybe even like a nuclear bomb
bazooka or something.”
“Next year?” the Kid asks. I can hear the smile in his voice.
I shrug. “Figure this will be tradition, you know?”
He tilts his head back and kisses my
chin. “Yeah,” he says. “Tradition.”]
“The great Vegetarian
Sword,” the Kid gasps.
“A legend, if there
ever a legend was.”
“Not legend, not myth,”
Mrs. Paquinn says. “But fact.
And it is here for
you. Do you know what it does?”
“It can bring balance
to the world,” the Kid says,
watching more birds
descend from the surrounding trees.
“It is order in the
chaos, a resolution to all the dark.
It can help bring the
evil to its knees.”
“You’re damn right it
will,” Mrs. P says with a cackle.
“And of the devil, this
world will be rid.
And it’s been waiting
for one such as you.
Someone brave. Strong.
Someone like you, my Kid.”
She hands him the sword
and within his own depths,
he hears an aching song
being sung in his heart.
Unable to keep the
tears from his eyes, he says,
“If I take this from
you, will we have to part?”
His Christmas Angel
smiles, one so familiar that it’s like home.
Her hand reaches out
and caresses his cheek.
“Yes,” she says
quietly. “But just for now.
It’s time for you to
rise, child, to protect those that are meek.”
“Can I truly be brave
enough?” he asks,
testing the weight of
the sword in his hand.
“It seems like there
are times when your best is never enough,
that all that is
against you is much too grand.”
“That’s life,” she
says. “And that’s the way it will always
be.
There are times it will
feel like you are sliced and scarred.
But I know you, I know
your heart. What you will be.
Tyson, remember this: I
know who you are.”
And with that, the snow
swirls up again,
and the bells ring
louder, as the ice surrounds her.
“Please don’t go!” the
Kid cries.
But her figure has
already begun to blur.
“Tyson,” she says, her
voice coming faint.
“Listen now, for the
words I say are true.
It matters not where I
am, and if we are a part,
Because I will always
be with you.”
And with that she
fades, leaving the Kid in the falling snow.
The weight of the sword
pulling him down.
He thinks on it for
just a moment, her words;
then, with all that he
has, he pushes himself up from the ground.
“She’s right,” he says
to himself, looking down the sword.
“She’s always right,
and that’s a place to start.
For it’s now always
about what you can accomplish,
but what it is that
beats in your heart.”
He raises his gaze, to
the ruins around him,
the Devil squawking as
the birds fly him by.
“You know what?” the
Kid says, having had enough.
“It’s time to end this
right here and now. Fuck this guy!”
[“Seriously?” I sigh. “Why do you always have to say fuck? ”
“Sometimes,” he says seriously,
“there is no better word to say what you truly mean.”
“Yeah, trying explaining that to
your teachers,” I grumble.
“Fuck ‘em,” Otter says, obviously
not helping in the slightest.]
And as if the
Vegetarian Sword has given him renewed strength,
He raises if far above
his head.
“You want to come to my
town? Take over my brother?
I’m about to stab your
ass dead!”
And from far and wide,
his animal friends hear his cry.
And the world over they
flash out of sight.
And reappear right here
in Seafare!
O, glorious day! O, glorious night!
[“The animals can teleport now?”
Otter asks in disbelief, though I don’t know why he’s picked that specific
event to find disbelieving. Three words. Possessed.
By. Satan.
“It’s the power of the Vegetarian
Sword,” the Kid explains. “It’s in tune
with the frequencies of all the animals in the world and gives them
teleportation abilities. It’s really
quite interesting. As a matter of fact,
I’ve this forty page back story on the sword if you really want to hear it,
which by the tone of your voice, it sounds like you do. It’s got—”
“Yeah,” I interrupt. “Let’s just finish one masterpiece before
thinking of starting another.”]
There were cheetahs and
buffaloes and elephants.
And bears and otters
and rattlesnakes of diamondback!
And wolves and monkeys
and lions and hippos.
And of course, stepping
in front of them all, the mighty yak!
[“What’s a yak?” Dom asks.
“A really hairy cow,” the rest of us
intone, obviously experienced from last year.
Though, to be honest, I don’t know what that says about us. I try not to think about it too much. One doesn’t want to wonder how yak experts
are treated in the real world.
“They drink the milk of the yak in
Siberia,” Otter tells Dom, who widens his eyes.
“I still don’t think you know
anything about Siberia,” I mutter.]
The birds fly away from
the Devil
and return to soar
above their animal friends.
“It looks like your
time is up!” the Kid shouts.
“Release my brother for
this is your end!”
“My end?” the Devil
laughs, wipe bird poop off his face.
“This is merely the
beginning, you’ll see!
But remember this,
should you try and fight:
if I go back down to
Hell again, I’m taking your brother with me!”
This gives the Kid
pause, as it rightly should.
After all, this just
isn’t anyone: it was his brother.
He thinks real hard of
the consequences at hand,
and wonders fleetingly
if Bear could be replaced by another.
[“Hey!” I shout, slightly
wounded. “I am to goddamn important to
be replaced!”
Silence from all.
“I really hate you guys sometimes,”
I grumble, even as they start to snicker.]
But it is a fleeting
thought, and brief it will be.
Because there is no one
in the world quite like Bear.
I mean, really, who else
has quite the neurosis of he,
hidden deeply buried
under that mop of thinning hair?
[“Shouldn’t have ruined my shirt,”
the Kid says with a scowl.
“Are you ever going to let that go? I
bought you a new one! Like a billion new ones!”
He taps his forehead. “Loooooooooong
memory, Papa Bear.”]
The Kid knows that
without his big brother,
there would be no Kid
for the world to love.
Because without someone
like his badass brother,
the world would be a
reasonably darker place. Sort of.
[“Gee. Thanks.
I think.”]
The Kid brandishes the
sword for the Devil to see,
and watches in
amusement as the Devil’s eyes go wide.
“That will always be
your downfall,” the Kid says.
“Your gross
miscalculation. Your damnable pride.”
The animals around Ty
chuff and growl,
ready to be on the
attack, on the hunt.
“It’s time to go kick
some ass,” he tells them.
“Let’s go take care of
this stupid cu—
[“Yeah, you finish that sentence,
you’re grounded for a week,” I tell him.
“I bet E. E. Cummings or Emily
Dickinson never got censored,” he snaps.
“I don’t care what your classmates
get to do,” I remind him, assuming he’s talking about other kids in his
class. Who the fuck names their kid E.E.
anyway?
All Ty does in response is groan and
shake his head.]
His animal friends roar
with such a fright
as one by one, the
residents of Seafare poke out their heads.
“People of my town!”
the boy genius cries.
“It’s time to lay your
fears to rest! Put ‘em to bed!
“I made you a promise,
lo many months ago.
That if you became
vegetarian I would protect you,
that I would make this
world a safer place.
And that is exactly what I’m gonna do.”
And with that he
charges, the Vegetarian sword held high.
And racing all around
him, came his animals by his side.
It is a glorious sight,
one for all time!
To bring about
momentous change, to turn the dark tide!
[“Your pictures are… neat,” I say as
Dom hands me another one. I can’t even
tell if I’m holding it upside down or not.
“You’re really good with
compliments,” the Kid says drily.
“Thanks for being so super awesome and stuff.”]
The battle that follows
is one for the ages
like the one that had
come before.
I shan’t repeat all
that happens here,
because everyone knows
bloody battles are such a bore.
[“You’re weaseling out of the big
battle scene again?” Otter asks
incredulously. “That’s like eating the
best meal you’ve ever had only to find out at the end you were eating baby
horses the whole time.”
We all stare at him.
“I like big battle scenes,” he
grumbles.
“Sorry,” the Kid says with a
shrug. “Ran over budget and had to cut
some parts out.”
“Budget? What budget?”
He shrugs again. “Yeah, okay.
That was a lie. I just got bored
and didn’t want to write anymore.”]
When the smoke clears,
there is through the dust,
a scene of such beauty
and power.
For there stands the
Kid and his animal friends,
up above
Bear/Santa/Satan who does nothing but cower!
The Vegetarian sword
held high,
the Kid looks down at
the Devil with sadness.
“You know,” he says
wisely, for how could he not be?
“You might be an okay
guy if you gave up your badness.”
“Never,” Satan gasps. “As long as there is you,
I swear there will
always be one such as me.
Here to take away the
true meaning of Christmas:
that it means nothing
without family.”
“Give me back my
brother,” the Kid says,
“And I’ll consider
letting you go this one time.
If you don’t I’ll hunt
you until the End of Days
And your head shall be
mine.”
“You’ll let me go?” the
Devil asks, a glint in his eye.
“Your brother means
that much to you?
Because you know what
will happen if you let me go.
You know what I’ll plan
to do.”
“He may not be the
smartest,” the Kid says.
“And he may overthink
things way too much.
But there’s no one in
the world like me brother,
and from this day on,
I’ll treat him as such.”
The Devil uses Bear’s
mouth to smile,
a look that twists up
in ferocious glee.
“Ah, my child,” the
Devil says,
“You know not what you
ask of me.”
The Kid does
know, but he would ask still the same,
for who could he save
if not Bear?
“I’ll be here no matter
what,” he says quietly,
“and I’ll take you on,
no matter if I’m worse for wear.”
The Devil tilts Bear’s
head back and laughs.
“Then I accept,” he exclaims. “It’s a deal!
But I promise you that
come next Christmas,
it will be you that
will kneel.”
The ground begins to
shake roughly,
and Bear’s mouth opens
wide.
Black smoke that reeks
of sulfur pours out,
but I have a secret I
must confide!
That hero of this
story, that supremely intelligent boy?
He knew this might
happen, so he’d hatched a plan,
to ensure the Devil
could never harm another.
He called upon his best
friend, such a stupendous man!
“Now, Dom, now!” the
Kid cries, giving the signal.
And out steps Dom,
holding the Good Book.
He begins to mutter in
Latin,
or some other
gobbledy-gook.
The sulfurous black
smoke shakes and shrieks
as it flickered about
amongst the frost.
Otter climbed out of
the hole in the ground and says,
“Hey, that’s kind of
like from the TV show Lost.”
[“I spend the entire time
underground and only reappear to make a reference to a stupid TV show that only
you and your fellow message board nerds cared about?” Otter says, pouting.
“You’re a stupid TV show,” the Kid
retorts.
“That wasn’t as insulting as you
think it was,” I tell him.]
As Dom speaks Latin,
Satan Smoke Monster
starts to dissipate.
And with a shriek that
can be heard for miles,
The Devil finally
succumbs to his eternal fate.
Bear collapses to his
knees, bowing his head low.
The Kid rushes over, to
make sure his soul has not been taken.
“Kid, oh Ty,” Bear
whispers quietly. “I just have one
question.
Can you please go get
me four strips of bacon?”
[“You know, I don’t even like bacon that much,” I say, throwing
my hands up in the air.
“I couldn’t find words that rhymed
with sausage,” the Kid explains, as if that makes everything okay.
“But Dom gets to come in and be all
badass and exorcise me and the first words out of my mouth are about bacon?”
“I am pretty badass,” Dom agrees with a smirk.]
“No more bacon for
you,” the Kid says,
And from around him
comes sounds of life around the town.
He raises his voices
and says, “No more bacon for all!
You saw what rose up
out of the ground!
“I warned you once, on
Christmas last year,
what would happen if
you chose to eat meat!
I said the Devil could
rise again!
Right out from
underneath your feet!
“I’ll warn you again,
and pray it the last time,
for the fate of the
world may depend on what you choose.
I hope it will be for
the last time.
Think about what it is
you could all lose.”
[“Is it me or is this way more
preachy than last time?” I ask Otter.
“It’s just you,” the Kid says before
Otter can reply.]
“I promise,” Bear says,
standing upright.
“I promise I’ll give up
meat forever.
I promise I’ll do
whatever you say, if you promise
to make me the royal
Queen of this endeavor.”
“Then the No Meat Queen
you shall be!” the Kid cries,
and the town of Seafare
applauds his decree!
And with a giggle and a
princessy wave,
Bear accepts his
position in this town by the sea.
[“The No Meat Queen?” I growl at the Kid above Otter’s laughter.
“You’re already a gay,” the Kid
says. “I didn’t think it too much a
stretch. Only you can’t use the name
Minerva Fox. That’s my queen name.”
“Yeah. You don’t have to worry about that, I’m
sure. Wrap it up, Kid.]
Otter comes over and
gives his queen a kiss
and it’s gross and
awkward and none to neat.
“Don’t worry,
honey-pie,” Otter whispers to Bear.
“Forget the bacon. I’ll fill you with my other meat.”
[“Tyson James Thompson!”]
“Oh, Otter,” Bear the
Queen says with a breathy sigh.
“I wouldn’t have it any
other way.
As a matter of fact, do
with me what you will.
Because for you on certain bookshelves, I am a gay!”
[“Ha!” Otter laughs. “References.”]
And we’ll leave them
now, all mushy and dumb,
because that’s all apparently
grownups really do.
But I suppose that’s
okay, if you like that sort of thing.
At least they won’t eat
anything anymore that goes moo.
And as for the
Kid? Well, again it is done,
that all the town
around him cries out in joy his name.
For he and his best
friend in all the world Dom,
have beaten the Devil
at his very own game.
“Do you really think
he’s gone?” Dom asks.
“He promised to come
back, after all.”
The Kid takes in a deep
breath and lets it out slow.
“We’ll be here,” he
says, “to make sure he falls.”
“What did she whisper
to you?” Dom asks,
and there is no
question as to who “she” would be.
“It was the secret of
Christmas,” the Kid says softly.
“And she revealed it to
me.
“She told me that
people focus on material things,
as they usually do
around this time of year.
That they might not
know the real reason we have,
to be holding each
other near.”
“What’s the real
reason, then?” Dom asks.
“It’s really quite
simple,” the Kid says happily.
“Family is nothing
without one another.
“Without them and you,
there would be no me.”
And with that we’ll
leave them now,
knowing it is for family we must always fight.
Merry a few days before
Christmas,
And to all a good
night!
*****
Its a few hours later, and the Kid
and I still sit in the living room. Dom
has gone home. Otter up to bed. I haven’t been ready to let go of Ty just
yet, and he hasn’t yet tried to move from my lap. My chin is on his forehead as the fire dances
in front of us.
“Derrick?” he asks quietly, speaking
for the first time in a while. He hasn’t
used my real name in a while, and I know he’s about to ask me one of his Very
Important Questions.
“Yes, Ty?”
“Do you… do you think she heard
me? You know, what I said about her?”
There’s no question as to who he
means. “Yeah. I do.”
“And you think she’s happy?”
“Yeah, Ty. The happiest.”
He sighs. “I love you, you know?”
“I do. And you know I love you too?”
“With your whole heart?”
“With my whole heart.”
“Do you… do you think we’ll be
okay? Eventually?” He plays with my fingers ever so gently.
“Yeah, Kid. You and me?
Otter and Dom? We’re gonna be
okay. I promise.” And this is something I choose to believe.
He’s quiet for a moment longer. Then, “Merry Christmas, Papa Bear.”
I hold him close and once again
thank whoever listens to us all for giving me what is mine.
Thank you.
The End