I Think I'm Pregnant and Other Musings

Forgive me for this random post.  I’ve got a few things on my mind that need to be written down, otherwise I’ll go insane.  Never will you meet anyone more neurotic than an author, you can take my word on that.  Chances are, the majority of us need to be on some form of medication, but are refusing to do so because it may interrupt our “creative process” (which, to be honest, is just a euphemism for how we spew out our crazy.) 

So, here are some things I’m thinking about lately.  And yes, this will probably make me sound a bit off, but you all should be used to that by now.  If not, and this is your first time reading a post of mine, just remember the following:  you’ll get used to it.  Probably.

Okie Dokie!

--GRL is less than a month away and I can’t wait.  I thought I’d be a bit nervous as it approached, but I’m really not.  I like meeting new people and it’ll be neat to put a face to some names I’ve been conversing with over the past year.  What I can’t get over is people saying they can’t wait to meet me.  How odd is that?  I’m just a dude, I promise. But I can’t help but  wonder if I’ll be expected to perform tricks on command.  I don’t know how to juggle but I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue so…you know.  Take that how you will.  Oh, and I can hula-hoop for like six seconds without it falling down.   Pretty magical, right?

--Okay, I take one thing back: I am a bit nervous—but it’s only about flying.  Yes, yes, it’s an irrational fear but I am petrified of heights.  And take offs.  And landings.  And flying over bodies of water.  And snakes.  And spiders.  And mascot costumes.  And clowns.  And feet gross me out.  I also strongly dislike it when people bend their fingers back to crack their knuckles.  So, if you’re following along, then you’d understand my worst nightmare would be if I was stuck on a plane flying across an ocean where people are dressed up as snakes and spiders wearing clown makeup while rubbing their feet on me while cracking their knuckles..

--I am craving a baked potato right now.  And tacos.  Help.  I think I’m pregnant.

--I’ve written two full length novels and a novella in three months.  Yeah, my writing mojo is back again. (release news coming soon!)

--It’s September, but the Wal-Mart near my work is already set up for Christmas.  I wanted to go stand in the section and sing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs, but I figure they frown at stuff like that.  Stupid Wal Mart. But...

--...it’s almost Christmas!  Sort of.  Hurray!  Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! (admit it, when you just read that, you sang it in your head, didn’t you. And it’s still stuck in your head, isn’t it. Bwahahahaha!)

--The first day of fall just passed.  It was 98 degrees here.  Damn you, Tucson.

--I live in the desert, but I don’t tan because apparently God thought it hysterical to make me burn in sunlight like I’m a twinkly vampire.  When people meet me for the first time and see my paleness, they are convinced I am actually a ghost haunting them.  Boo.

--Don’t you hate it when you meet an uber attractive person and you’re like “Wow, I totally want to have a bone sesh with you” but then they turn out to be the most stuck up egotistical jerk in the history of the world?  Yeah, I hate that too.  I really need to work on my brain-mouth connection because I ended up saying exactly what I was thinking.  Yeesh.

--Speaking of bone sesh, I’ve discovered that I have way more fun writing hilariously awkward sex scenes then steamy sexy I need to rub one out sex scenes.  Sex, while it should be fun, can also by funny.

--Speaking of boners, I received an email from a reader telling me a sex scene in Burn gave him a "hard cock."  I don't know what I was supposed to do with that so I replied "You're welcome."

--I received another email from a reader, asking why I can’t release a book a week like some other authors.  I get that question a lot, right up there with when is my next book going to be out.  Look, I wish I could have a release every week, but I’m a slow poke.  I only work on one thing at a time.  And hey, I’ve had two books released this year!  That’s a lot, at least for me.  And next year?  I may be looking at five or six releases.  (Heh.  Teasing is hysterical--just what will those five or six releases be?).  So give me some patience, folks.  Anything I write I want to be the very best for you to read.  You’ll get it.  Eventually.  One day.  Maybe.

--I was asked recently why I never seem to rate a book lower than three stars on GR and do I really like everything that much?  No.  I don’t.  There’s quite a few books I’ve disliked.  However, I won’t post a rating if it’s lower than three stars.  Unfortunately (or maybe not unfortunately per se) there’s  a sort of author etiquette that I abide by: If I love a book, I’ll shout about it from the roof tops and write a review and try to share it with everyone.  (Seriously, read (Un)masked by Anyta Sunday and Andrew Gordon—love, love, love.)  If I like a book I’ll rate it.  If I dislike a book, I’m not going to do anything because I feel like a jackass rating a book low when I’m also a published author.   Other authors don’t feel this way, but that’s okay too.  That’s just how I am.  So yes, I read books I don’t like all the time. 

--Still craving that taco and baked potato.  Someone should really get on that right about now.  I am eating for two after all.

--  I’m about to finish up that novella and it’s got a bittersweet feeling to it, so every time I open the word doc, I get ready to make the Wookiee cry face.  I know I said I rarely cry, but I think I was a big fat liar because apparently I cry over everything.  Jesus.  Maybe I am pregnant.  I don’t want to lactate!

--Answer quickly:  how did the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz take showers?  This is a question that won’t leave my brain..

In conclusion.  I hope you have the best day ever.  And I love you, even if you didn’t get me that taco or baked potato.  Jerk..